June 25, 2007
We’re not racist against booze or anything. In fact we think it’s written somewhere in the Cyclecide Bike Rodeo bylaws that members aren’t allowed to talk smack about fermented beverages. But we were discussing public health issues with some friends over the weekend, and this topic came up.
Between public service announcements like that and a stiflingly restrictive Southern Baptist upbringing, we stayed pretty innocent until pretty late.
On the other hand, there is an ugly truth to alcohol that is never told in the media. Never. Why? We’d guess because unlike your local Bolivian marching powder salesman or mushroom dealer, alcohol companies buy metric shit-tons of advertising space.
Drunk-driving accidents are listed off as rote in the news, but other than that, alcohol is a land where strikingly gorgeous women in low-cut clothing flirt heavily, giggling at everything you say with straws cocked seductively in their laser-whitened teeth. Two girls for every boy.
Nobody shows the “after” picture, where the dude in the background’s got his face in the toilet and his pants around his ankles, horfing up his dinner while shitting uncontrollably on the tile floor and drunk-dialing his ex-girlfriend from college.
Or one of the laser-teeth ladies blacking out and distributing messy blowjobs backstage while her cleavage-heavy companion falls off her barstool unconscious, and the security guard trying to kick her out reaches to help her and accidentally grabs her boob, and the guy who’s been trying to slurrily hit on her all night punches the security guard in the neck, and it all degenerates into a pile of broken bones and vomit.
Not that that happens every time. But we’ve been bartending for a decade.
We’d watch the hell out of that commercial.
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