Our longtime friend, the esteemed writer Ian Williams, lives in New York City. When the 9/11 horribility hit, Ian and his wife and sister were some of the people who actually ran towards the towers as they fell — not literally, but almost — and they stepped up during the tragedy to … well, to do a lot of things, but basically to facilitate the emergency workers’ ability to do their jobs in the first days.
Cajoling gourmet food from restaurants, finding clean bottled water, helping lost children find their parents, passing out clean T-shirts in rainstorms to people covered in dead-body dust, what have you.
Yeah. Gnarly, as they say here in California.
Governmental and media response to the tragedy — followed by a cokehead fratboy’s team of Satanic engineers brazenly stealing the last American Presidential election from a decorated war hero (four years after they brazenly stole it from a future Nobel prizewinner) — prompted Ian to propose a new country called American Coastopia. Which caused a nationwide shitstorm of Republican oh-no-you-didn’t-style fallout, which was fun to watch. Anyhoo.
Suffice to say, Ian now takes the idea of apocalyptic-incident preparedness even more seriously than we do. He asked his aunt, who is Amish or something equally as wholesome and closer to the natural way of doing things than most white people are, to compile a list of foods that would allow him and his family to survive a year in his apartment in Brooklyn.
So here’s a repost of the list. We’re not so sure about the food proportions — we’d want black beans instead of Navy, and way more than 1 gallon of brown rice in a year — but tailor the ingredients to your own dining style.
SUGGESTED FOOD STORAGE PROGRAM FOR ONE ADULT FOR ONE YEAR
Wheat: three 5 gallon cans
Milk: Instant Dry Non-fat (vacuum-sealed can) four 5 lb. cans (100 quarts)
They now have a Rice Dream Soy milk in different flavors is in the stores in cardboard containers which tastes good, has a good storage life, but not that of the dry milk.
Honey: 25 pounds … REALLY NECESSARY – GOOD FOR YOU AND TASTES GOOD add to other things instead of sugar
Beans: White small Navy beans 1 gallon can
Peas: Split dried 1 gallon can
Rice: Brown 1 gallon can
Corn: Golden Bantam dehydrated and vacuum sealed 1 #10 can
Carrots: diced, dehydrated and vacuum sealed 1 #10 can
Optional Veg.: dehydrated and vacuum sealed 1 #10 can
Fruits: dehydrated assorted applesauce nuggets, apple slices,
date nuggets, peach slices, fruit galaxy 6 #10 cans
Multi-purpose food: anything else dehydrated
Yeast: dry 1 sealed 4 oz. can (can be kept in the freezer)
Sea Salt: iodized dry 2 one lb. Canisters
Vitamin C: 1000 tablets in bottles.
“The above will keep you alive for a year but would be very boring. Instead of a lot of the above, I would get a lot of canned fruits, vegetables, and canned meats that you would eat. Tuna stays well. Rotate these goods. Make sure you have a supply of toilet paper and first aid supplies.
The above calls for yeast and salt. I would also suggest baking soda (which can be used as toothpaste and medicine), starch (to make gravy), and a bunch of packets like taco mix, Asian mixes, gravy mixes, etc. to make your food more interesting.”
(BONUS: Also from Ian’s aunt. The following items might be the most pressing things to get together first. Super similar to Otto’s Starter Kit for the Apocalypse, so you might want to cross-reference both lists during your fun, Tupperware-style Apocalypse Kit parties)
The following is a 72-hour kit that can be put in a wheeled-pullable suitcase or a backpack.
FIRST AID KIT:
Lip sun screen
2 gauze bandages 2 in.
10 Gauze pads 4 x 4
10 gauze pads 4 x 3
10 butterfly bandages
1 roll first aid tape
first aid book
feminine hygiene items
plastic cup, plate, bowl
bomb (?! … uh, Molotov Cocktail, perhaps? -ed.)
razor and blades
aloe vera cream
trash sacks (1 of all sizes)
all purpose knife
ball point pen
complete change of clothes
glasses or other needy personal items
food for 6 meals
Oh yeah and one final point: Ian noticed that during 9/11, half the people trying to evacuate the area with the pull kind of stewardess luggage were ALSO running down the street with a broken suitcase. The wheels on the cheap ones pop off easily, especially if you’re running amongst rocks and debris. So either splurge on the good stuff, get an outer-frame backpack instead if you’re strong, or pimp out your own luggage cart with shocks.
… and there you have it. Get thee to a cannery and a hippie food store, and thank you for shopping for the Apocalypse … because if you try to steal someone else’s food when it all goes down, all you might get is a mouthful of lead.
Think we’re kidding? See above. Even nice Midwestern ladies will be stashin’ bombs in their go-packs.