Dilettante 6: Las Vegas pt2

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Hello, fellow women and that includes trans women and femmes: We’ve come a long way [the ‘baby’ is silent] — we’ve come a long way language-wise, and as far as respecting each other.

I started this “twenty years ago this week” series of “Dilettante” posts to offer readers a glimpse of San Francisco nightlife from my column at the turn of the century. Little did I know I’d find an ugly selfie.

Welp, here it is. The nightmare all writers above a certain age face, right there in print.

In 1998, I was still new to the big city, and there was no Internet to tell me what transgenderism was. So, having never met an out trans person, when I saw this dancer in Vegas, I just thought … well, it doesn’t matter what I thought. I made a sentence in my nightlife column that misgendered someone, and was ignorant, and probably hurt someone’s feelings in 1998. So, please allow me to apologize and ask forgiveness.

Basically I said the dancer was a man, when she was really a trans woman. Between then and now I’ve educated myself about the wonderful world of gender fluidity and continue to do so. Yall can start with this primer from GeekDad or Them magazine if you’re interested.

Twenty years ago, the offending comment got past all my editors too, which tells you something about 1998 levels of wokeness even at America’s wokest weekly paper. Hey, gay marriage wasn’t even a twinkle in Gavin Newsom‘s eye yet, much less a sweeping worldwide rights-acknowledging wave of beauty and love.

everyone’s getting hip and it’s nice to be nice

So, for the record, trans women are women. In the past 20 years, the good side of humanity has learned from the internet how to empathize more fully with people not like us.

Let me tell yall some of the other things we have learned since 1998 about not hurting people’s feelings. (This includes putting an aster*sk in slur words so people know you’re not ‘saying it out loud.’)

– “Esk*mo” is a slur that means “whale-eater” and we should say “Inuit” instead
– Native American headdresses are a no-no. Full stop.
– “G*psy” is a slur too. Say “Roma” or “Romani people” instead.
– We say “enslaved persons” now and not “slaves,” which is dehumanizing and disrespectful to the dead.
– Call them “little people” and leave the slur “m*dget” alone.
– “Tr*nny” isn’t short for any word you’re allowed to use. Did you know you can’t say it as a catch-all shortened term? It’s a slur that’s been hurled with hate and injury, so nope. Also ‘tr*nsvestite* is an old, perjorative, vague term so we can be more specific and kind now.
– Say “native American” or “indigenous person” because Christopher Columbus only called them “Indians” because he was LOST and thought he was in India.
– This one will be unpopular but how about not saying “bitch” when you mean “woman” unless you ARE a woman and/or horsing around with your friends.
– With all the slurs, you might wonder why you can’t say it even though they’re saying it to each other. The answer is they’re taking back their power by using that word — a word that has been used to disempower and abuse them for so long — and you still shouldn’t say it. As I say about the term “bitch,” how bout don’t call me one if you aren’t one.

did yall know intersex people are as common as redheads!

Also if you’re confusing this mini-style guide with infringement on your free speech, welp no, that’s not how it works. Free speech can be answered with more free speech, and fascists often warp the meanings of words and phrases (like “free speech” and “free thought”) to use them against others.

It’s called “doublespeak,” a term from the book 1984. (Orwell’s acrid example slogans are “War is Peace” and “Freedom is Slavery”; this writer would add “Free Speech is Intolerant Speech”.)

So again, trans women are women, hope we can still be friends, and you better believe I’m wincing in case I find any other ignorant one-liners in my columns from twenty years ago.

Other than that, here’s my piece about going to two … adult shows in Las Vegas. Say, that reminds me, we kind of don’t say “prostitute” any more because what they are is humans with feelings and their job is “sex worker.” Also “stripper” is gauche and a bit demeaning so the term “exotic dancer” is preferred.

*rainbow emoji* The more you know!

 

Scroll down or click through to read “Vegas Baby Vegas – part two of four,” originally published in the SF Bay Guardian on April 27, 1998.

This is the sixth piece in my “twenty years ago this week” project; Dilettante’s first installment is here.

 

Vegas, Baby, Vegas – part two of four

by Summer Burkes, 04.27.1998

 

TWO SYNCHRONIZED swimmers in skimpy, tattered outfits flit and tumble in a 20-foot tank of uplit, turquoise water at the rear of a stage. The stage itself, fashioned to look like the undersea home of Neptune and his kin is flanked by jetting fountains and rain-pipes synchronized to pulsating, Enya-ish harp music. Some ‘mermaids’ fan out from behind the tank in bell-bottomed, it’s-mermaid-theme-night-at-the-Tri-Delt-House pantsuits to perform a series of poses that showcase and enhance their ample breasts.

The swimmers continue to somersault until the serene music abruptly shifts gears to very loud, very bad hair-farm “rock” as strobe-lit minions in Atlantis-style S&M gear do glorified cheerleading routines and line dances.

No, this is not some teenage boy’s fantasy gone horribly awry. This is Splash, (allegedly) Las Vegas’ #1 variety show, a self-proclaimed “aquacade of music and dance.”

splash! aaaaah. they'll tit-clap every one of us!

splash! aaaaah. they’ll tit-clap every one of us!

1996’s cinematic debacle Showgirls provided America with an excruciating account of the short, hard road from stripper/prostitute to Vegas dancer and the ferocity with which showgirls allegedly defend their big-fish-in-small-pond status. What we didn’t learn from Ezsterhas 101, however, is that once the showgirls appear on-stage in between the ankle-breaking dance numbers we might be subjected to mediocre star-mimicry, sexless sex shows, baffling non-sequiturs, and humorless vaudeville.

I wanted to see two Girlie Shows during my stay in Vegas (an expensive one and a cheap one) and I had decided to spend my money on “the one with the mermaids.” What I got instead was something with Michael and Janet Jackson, Madonna, a bird-fondling magician, a Dirty Dancing tribute, Mariachi jugglers, topless leather-lesbian Barbies on motorcycles, and a dancing alien Cyclops.

if we had seen this flyer instead of the other one, maybe we'd have been better prepared for the relentless non sequiturs from oceania

if we had seen this flyer instead of the other one, maybe we’d have been better prepared for the relentless non sequiturs from oceania

Not that the folks who make their living participating in Splash are by any means untalented, or that every show in Vegas is mind-numbingly unentertaining …

When the Mexican drummers in tap shoes broke out the Double-Nine-Parts whips (my favorite Shaolin Kung Fu weapon) and did a synchronized dance number, I found myself smiling. When the Mariachi jugglers tumbled and laughed their way through a 20-minute set, I laughed too. When the four (yes, four) dirt-bike stuntmen drove their bikes around a tiny circular cage at the same time, I was breathless.

But the rest of the time, I was horrified.

I realize the whole world can’t live in a big city and love the opera or Incredibly Strange Wrestling. I know performance art and robot wars are not everyone’s idea of a good time. But I see the superstars of my youth being mimicked before their careers are even finished.

I see a Will Smith wannabe’s posturing around a cartoon alien during the finale “Men In Black” sequence, and I see so many overplayed songs squished into medley ‘revue’ monstrosities, that I wonder why they haven’t covered “Happy Birthday to You” as well. It makes me want to firebomb the whole town.

Splash is NOT “an aquacade of music and dance,” it’s a flashy means to birdfeed Moms and Pops the same narrow, tinny old schlock they’ve been swallowing for years, and an excuse for the more critical ones to reassure themselves that after them and theirs (Frank, Dean, Elvis), it was all downhill to this.

and then, even more downhill to this

and then, even more downhill to this

I know from the bare-assed billboards around town that the next show, the Crazy Girls Revue, is a nudie show. Set on a stage 1/8th the size of Splash and costing one-fourth the ticket price, the show consists of about 8 to 10 choreographed, topless, lip-synched songs, performed by 8 to 10 skinny, surgically enhanced women in really bad wigs.

Pole dancing, can-can with chair, floor-wallowing, and a rotating bed solo piece — enough said. The music, at times, is far more tolerable than most: in addition to warmed-over medleys, painful originals, and disco tripe, we get Eartha Kitt, En Vogue, Tom Waits, and a song from Gypsy Rose Lee. And in between the synchronized ass-shakings, a comedian even drops some sly feminist science on the unsuspecting droolers.

The high point of the show is a hilarious song called “You Gotta Have Boobs,” [it’s just called “Boobs,” by Ruth Wallis -ed.] made all the more satisfying when my friend realizes early on that the woman singing it (the most buxom of the Crazy Girls) is actually a very, very successful transsexual. Irony?

plus there was the whole Flashdance vibe ... Flashdance, the glamorous shadow side to good-girl 80s children

plus there was the whole Flashdance vibe … Flashdance, the glamorous shadow side to good-girl 80s children

So the shows of Las Vegas are on par with the tastelessness of the rest of the joint, and clichéd nudity is an integral part of tastelessness. We know this. But why in the world are topless women an integral part of an uninspired rendition of “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina,” a Janet Jackson rap, or an otherwise graceful waltz?

And how could the male element of sexuality be entirely absent at shows equally populated by middle-aged men AND THEIR WIVES?

Have these women given up on their love lives, or do they secretly find silicone and Baby Jane makeup erotic? Or do they have some sort of boobie-filter that allows them to view hours of pretty songs and not see all the jiggling? And, finally, how much would it affect ticket sales if the weekend playboys and mustachioed voyeurs in the audience knew that half the body parts they were drooling over were on MEN?*

[*EMPHATIC NOTE: My most heartfelt apologies for my trans insensitivity in this column; in 1998 I was young, well-meaning, and thought I was accepting of all, but hadn’t quite understood transgendered people yet, or what was hurtful to say. Nor did my editors, obviously, or this line would’ve been cut. I leave it in now, so I can apologize and encourage others to educate themselves. We’re all growing and changing for the better, hopefully. I could’ve learned a lot from this transgender FAQ 20 years ago and I’m so sorry, to my trans friends and everyone else – ed.]

Crazy Girls' Revue is now the longest-running variety show on the Strip. Perhaps because it's the most honest thing there.

Crazy Girls’ Revue is now the longest-running variety show on the Strip. Perhaps because it’s the most honest thing there.

No wonder people shell out almost 100 bucks to go see Siegfried and Roy. Besides the white tigers, there’s not much else to see in Vegas besides tits and ass. Las Vegas entertainment IS past Frank and Dean and Elvis. It’s imploding, choking on its own silicone and flash.

But maybe my standards are too high. As the woman seated behind me at Splash said, “Well, that John Travolta was good, but he’s no Patrick Swayze…”

 

This is the sixth entry in my “twenty years ago this week” project from when I was a nightlife columnist at the Bay Guardian, once the country’s largest family-owned weekly newspaper. These “Dilettante” clips, compiled on my portfolio page, create a serial portrait of San Francisco culture at the turn of the century (1997-2001).

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source: http://opnminded.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Patrick-Swayze.jpg

an unnecessary but conciliatory portrait of the true Lord of the Dance

 

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