Cyclecide Tour Postscript: Wackness Forever

In cyclecide bike rodeo by summerburkesLeave a Comment

Feb. 1, 2005 – home base, CA

So that was our Cyclecide Fall Tour ’04 Diary.

We went out across the country for almost 3 months this past autumn, knocked people sideways and off their bicycles at the Tour de Fat, got rear-ended by a semi, everything sucked, New Orleans was fun, nobody got arrested (for long), and nobody tore anyone else’s eyes out (almost). Now we’re back home, battered and bruised but not beaten.

All in all, most of the Rodeo Klowns and Roustabouts agree that this was the worst tour we’ve ever done, as far as the fun-to-drag ratio, but still we’d rather do this than blah blah blah, and chaos provides yada yada, growth only from conflict, phoenix rising from the ashes whackety shmackety.

Here you will find a complete chronicle of the chaos we clowns encountered on our circuitous circus route. Up until New Orleans, that is, whereupon our best friends flew in to meet us and everyone flew in to meet everyone and we all just stayed drunk and hung out with hobos and art-freaks.

We wore our tutu for 6 days straight, and our nation “elected” the Shrub again and there were definitely ghosts in Christine’s friend’s attic in that apartment in the Quarter, and who’s got time for writing in the middle of all that. Now we’re safe and sound back at the farm, and working on stuff and things and how are YOU?

As for Cyclecide, we just filmed a commercial for one of the most gargantuan companies on Earth — don’t want to jinx it yet, and IT’S NOT SELLING OUT it’s cashing in and your broke ass would do it too. Yes you would. Yes you would — and apparently our Monster Nation episode keeps getting repeated.

Also the Power Tool Drag Races are coming up on Discovery Channel, we hear. Most of Cyclecide is in that too, including a big portion of this writer’s ass, which will be hanging out of some really Jon Bon Jovi-length Daisy Dukes, whilst being the scorecard gal, writing heat winners in chalk on hung-up car hoods on a fence. We’re sorry about that in advance.

diggin thru dumpsters for mutant bikes and racin' power tools in the junkyard. GOD we're rednecks

diggin thru dumpsters for mutant bikes and racin’ power tools in the junkyard. GOD we’re rednecks

Oh yeah and we’re also booked for Coachella again this year, where we will debut our new, totally insane THREE PERSON FERRIS WHEEL. We’ll borrow a truck and hopefully this time it won’t break down and strand 30 of us for 2 days in a parking lot in the hot sun in the middle of nowhere in a town called Shafter like last year.

This new ride is so sick it makes us want to puke. It was the big round thing at Burning Man where people were pedaling around the playa all high in the air and flipping over and freaking out. Yes, the big bright-colored one.

Paul da Plumber and the boys made it to where it doesn’t roll any more — because if it did it wouldn’t fit anywhere, in any gig we ever did — and we had a successful maiden voyage, for that and for Laird’s new “Bumblebee” ride both, at the junkyard a couple months ago. We made all the Cycleciders who didn’t go on tour set up the rides. Ha HA!

Basically, we’re still idiots. But we might’ve been blowing up right about now like all the other idiots getting famous, like those America’s Next Top Model bitches or that Cirque du Soleil thing, except for that whole destruction of property and whatnot. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON.

So meanwhile, we’re all in Winter Quarters, begging for odd jobs and making rides and costumes and “derelicte”, “found” “altercycles” (ahem) you’ll hopefully get to see eventually.

CYCLECIDE – 2 DUM 2 DIE. You can’t wreck us; we’re already wrecked. The Bike Rodeo will rise again. See you at Coachella.


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